youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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