Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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