I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We left an ass print on the piano.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
