She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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