guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
