I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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