I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
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