Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
