Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
