If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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