I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
