Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
