I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
