He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
