At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
