he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
