he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
