haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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