I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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