Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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