god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
