You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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