I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
