All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
