i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
