People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
