Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
