i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
