my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
