can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
