It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
