so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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