What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
