The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Randomize
