Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Randomize
