How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
