how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Randomize
