so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
i've created a new STD.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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