Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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