either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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