Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
