fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I touched a dick in church today
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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