it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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