I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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