just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
