I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
