I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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