Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You're like the curious george of whores
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
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