She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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