Betty ford says i'm here all night
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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