genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
